Hello Rerr! Wee Boaby here again! Well if you Read my column last Issue, You would know that the Auld Trouble and Strife (Ella) Wiz away for a while, nursing her sister in Dumbarton! Well right pleased I wiz tae see Hur! So A Wiz, I met hur aff the Bus! And we walked the wee bit doon the road to the hoose!
"You jist get Yer coat and Wellies Aff, Hen" I says ta hur, "I'll pit the Kettle oan!" Well a few minutes later she comes in behind me.
"Now Hud oan Ella! A cannae dae everything, Bluddy Hell a fed the fish inat! Whit mare dae ye want?"
Now oor Ella's a hellova Temper on hur! And with oot more ado, She picks up the frying pan, And wallops me right across the Coupen wee it!(WHACK!) Several seconds later, I climb's tae ma feet, Ma face resembling a bag of burst Plums.
Says I,"I'll jist pop doon tae the Health centre, And get the Nurse Tae stitch up ma face! I'll see ye in a while!"
Well 30 minutes later oot I come, Brand New! and as I walked up the Street, I thought tae masel, Ach I'll jist hae a couple oh Pints! So! I pops into ma local the "PISTON BROKE" A quaint little PUB jist accross the road from the garage!
ACH WELL! Yea ken how it goes, One pint leads tae another! Eventually after 6 pints, The bladder is Stretched tae the limit!
Now I'll tell you this! If you ever drink in the PISTON BROKE, You don't EVER leave an unfinished drink at the bar, Cause when yea get back, Some Bastard's off we it! So with the aid of an old Beer Mat and a felt pen! I wrote a wee Message o warning and left it leaning up against ma glass.
So there I was, Having a quick "Jimmy Riddle" When The Door BURSTS open, And in runs the BIGGEST DARKIE I've ever seen! At full flight he downs his Zip and makes a dive for the urinal next tae me!
I replied, But the Bugger jist laughed! So I thought tae masel, Am oot o here afore he starts tae shake this thing, Or I'll end up we whiplash or something!
Well I kin tell yea! It dammed near pit me Aff! But A Thought " Well it jist like huving a French Kiss" Being fully refreshed! It wiz time to head hame! As I walked in the Door, Ella Says
Well you have tae understand! 5 years ago she was Diagnosed as having Alzheimer Disease, And hid tae go tae a Clinic twice a week for the rest o hur days The only problem wiz! She forgot the Bluddy Address!
"BOABY!" Says the auld Yin, "Could yea Go up tae the BATH an get a wee shovel o coal fur the fire, Ma Legs are afful cauld!"
About seven the next morning, I awoke and noticed a strange smell in the air! Now it wiznae Ella, She only Farts when she's been eating Cabbage! So I Jumped oot o bed and quickly Slips Ella's PINK, FLORAL DRESSING GOWN, over the top o ma Pyjama's Retrieved ma Bonnet from the bedpost and started off down the stairs.
As I reached the living room door, I couldn't help notice the thick black smoke! And there wiz Ella's Mither lying on the floor! Trying tae light the Ornamental coals on the gas fire!
Having alerted the wife! I ran into the living room grabbed the Auld Bint by the Ankles and ran HELL for Leather, Along the hall, oot the front door, along the landing, Doon two flights o stairs and oot on tae the Street!
Now Am no an Emotional Man! But there wiz something Comforting aboot the sound of that SILLY AULD CRONES HEID Stottin aft the Concrete steps!
Well as luck would have it, One of the neighbours hud noticed the smoke and alerted the Fire Brigade, So they Arrived in Minutes!
Three o them jumped oot o the engine, Axes drawn, Hose in hand and ran up the stair tae ma bonny hoose! I Accompanied the Fire chief up the stair, And LOW and BEHOLD ther wiz one o his boys, Whacking the shit oot o ma front door we his axe!............ Now I wouldna mind, But The BLUDDY THING WIZ OPEN!
and we arrived doonstair jist in time to see a medic bending over the MITHER IN LAW, tae gie hur resuscitation His mouth was jist approaching hers, When her knee came up sharply and gave him a hefty whack in the Knackers!
As Ella drags her Mither aff this poor man, She gets one mair Kick in! And the Poor bloke is loaded onto his Ain Stretcher and carted away!
A Charred lump o burnt Plastic lay in the Fire Hearth, The walls and Ceiling were Blackened wie the Smoke, And as we stood there a Sheet o Wallpaper flopped off the Wall and landed at oor feet in a Soggy Lump!
Then I looked to my left! At an empty space where the T.V. Used to be, And a big hole in the livingroom Windae!
I screams, But YES! The force o the water from the Firemens hose Hud ricocheted off the wall and blasted the T.V. oot o the Bluddy Windae! A quick glance oot oh the broken glass confirmed it! There wiz ma telly lying in a thousand bits, 2 floors doon in next door's Midden!
